Realities of Life

I can now say that I am absolutely and undeniably a grown up.

I once read an article that defined what made you a grown up. I don't remember all of the criteria, but it included having a mortgage and having kids. Puerto Ricans say that you aren't a grown woman until you can make a good pot of arroz con gandules (Puerto Rican Rice). I still can't. I can tell you that having a mortgage and having kids doesn't always make you feel grown up. Sometimes you just feel like a kid with a mortgage and kids.

These past few months have solidly brought me into adulthood. Having to make difficult choices, suffering with those around me because I can't do anything else to make things better, not having time to be selfish, trying to build an fort of emotional safety for my kids so that they don't react to my stress, knowing that it's ok to not please everyone, making decisions that I know others will not approve of because they are right for my family, and finally, having the judgement to leave a really fun social event before the kids have a total meltdown even though I am having the time of my life (and being glad I did); these are the things that have made me grow up.

It is sobering. It's kind of sad.

I am starting to understand that cliche' about kids being a joy and all of that. When you are feeling really grown up, watching them joyfully experience life can fill your heart with so much tenderness (and yes, joy) that you can feel like a kid again and really appreciate it this time around. As hard as parenting really is, watching my little Danny toddle around while Aimee puts on a singing show makes me so happy that I actually feel light-headed sometimes.

Being a grown up isn't all I thought it would be. Early 20's was much more fun. Life was hard then too, but it didn't seem so real. Being in my early 30's with 2 little lives (3 if you want to count Remmy) to watch over makes every decision so much more FINAL and SCARY.

But you know what? It is great to share in moments of child-like joy with my kids. It feels good to know that I won't shut down, that I can deal with life, and that I can shake off the things that are unimportant. It feels damn good.