We have to do the work...

It should be no secret to anyone that knows us that Brian and I have treated our marriage like one of those beautiful old homes in disrepair that people buy and then spend years restoring to their original condition. I've said before that when we got married, we were well aware of the fact that we came into it with flaws, injuries from past relationships, and general brokenness. We've always been intentional about learning what mistakes we are making, uncovering the root, and learning a better way.

Since Aimee was born, I've decided to work on myself in the same way. It hasn't been easy to find balance, to put my marriage and my baby first without sacrificing my own needs. Maybe it's every mother's struggle.

When I started this blog, it was intended to be a way for me to document for Aimee what we were both like when she was a baby and as a way for me to open myself up in a more intimate way to friends and family. I do feel like you know me better as a result of this blog. I've given you access to my intimate thoughts, insecurities, joys, and sadness. Unfortunately, this blogging thing is a one way relationship.

The truth is that that I have neglected my friendships. Maybe this blog has turned into a way for me to make up for the lack of meaningful conversations I used to have with friends. Those conversations that would leave us examining our own lives and a week later, we'd come back and say, "Wow, I really thought about what you said last week and I've come to realize that...."

So, if you are a faithful reader and feel that you have come to know me better, I hope that you will take the time that you used to spend reading to call instead. I know I act like I'm all busy and stuff, but I'll make the time. Maybe you can tell me a little bit about your life too!

From Saturday's visit with the Wroblewski men.

Cabin Fever

Aimee has been fighting a virus since the weekend and it turned into an ear infection. I've only had one in my entire life and it hurt like hell. My little princess baby cried her little lungs out last night til 12:30 am and all I could do was hold her and pray. She slept most of the day today. She woke up long enough for us to take her for a doctor's appointment in the other side of town. There is really something going around because the clinic we usually take her to (that's 2 minutes from our house) was completely booked.

This week was supposed to be pretty busy work wise, and my gem of a boss agreed to take care of all of my apointments. On Monday I was supposed to visit a doctor in Elgin and bring their staff lunch. I thought I'd call their office to confirm the number of people I was ordering lunch for and was informed that the meeting was scheduled for TODAY. My boss was half way there already. I nearly died of shame. His response? "DON'T WORRRRRY ABOUUUT ITTT!" Brian and I are so greatful that we work for good people. We've both had our run-ins with bad bosses (one of my old bosses borrowed 100 bucks from me right before he was fired and never paid it back!) so we know how to appreciate what we have.

Let's hope that tomorrow Aimee will feel better.

My Cousin's Baby...

Is home now! Yay! He was released from the hospital today and he's eating, sleeping, and pooping like a champion 3 week old. Our family is ecstatic. Thank you for holding him in prayer. I'll post a picture of him when we go to Indiana to visit the little booger.

My "mundane details of my life" post

I'm feeling better. It was one of those 24 hour deals.

I had a few appointments for work today. Suffered through a pretty nasty bout of "working mommy" guilt that pretty much left me without the will to do anything when I got home. Brian read my mind and called to let me know he was picking up dinner on his way home from work.

I spent the rest of the evening with Aimee asleep on my shoulder. I finally (reluctantly) laid her in her crib and spent the rest of the evening doing the expense reports that I was supposed to turn in before the end of the year. I'm fearing the strongly worded email I'm sure to get sometime on Monday from the Chief Financial Officer.

I can't wait for tomorrow to be over. I have an important meeting with my boss and an executive from one of the hospitals that I work with. One of the nice things of not being in management anymore is that these types of meetings are few and far between. The bad thing is that when they do happen, I feel out of place and out of practice.

I'm looking forward to having Brian's family over on Saturday. Brian's Uncle is here from Minneapolis. It seems that he's established a certain degree of noteriety out there for his writing and riding abilities. He's been sober as long as Aimee has been alive and it will be fun to see them togather.

Something is going around...

and I caught it. I have the stomach flu. Yuck.

Essential weapons against "Happy Spit"

As I introduce new foods into the spitter's diet, I have to get more creative about how to save her cute clothes from looking like she used them to finger paint.

Happy Spitter

Aimee is what doctors call a "happy spitter". That means that she spits up regularly and copiously without any real explaination or discomfort to her. The nasty tasting Zantac Syrup she takes 3 times a day has cured her Acid Reflux,. She can go several weeks without any noticable spitting up episdoes. However, every few months, she just goes crazy with the spitting up. The weird thing is that she does it without warning, and just goes on smiling or giggling as if she didn't just cover me with partially digested baby food and formula.

This picture was taken moments after she projectile spit up all over me, the comforter on the bed, and the carpet. I was lucky that she was facing AWAY from me, or I would have been cleaning my contacts out instead of taking pictures.

I layed her down in her crib while I changed my clothes and started the washing machine. When I opened the door to get the things she spit up on, she greeted me with that beautiful smile of hers.

Life's lessons...

Sometimes you just don't get a return on your investment. So what's better? To aim low and succeed? Or to aim high and fail?

Update

The baby is doing better. They closed up his chest and he's going to have his first meal tomorrow. Thanks for all of your prayers. Please keep praying!

24 Hours

For the past few months I've been fighting with time. I keep trying to grab onto the day's hours, but they keep slipping away from me! Those sneaky little suckers! I end the day asking myself, "Where did the time go?" Aimee turns 8 months today, and as people make remarks about her losing her baby face and looking more like a toddler, I wonder "Why does it have to go by so fast?". I become paralyzed with the thought that time will not stand still for me to enjoy her. She will keep getting older and more independant and before I know it, she'll be 10.

It's true that everything changes when you have a kid. You experience emotion more deeply, it's easy to lose yourself in your new identity as a parent, and you grieve the hours that ran away from you before you had a chance to truly seize them.

There have been a few things on my list of things that I want to accomplish. Spend time with friends, organize our office, work on decorating the house, work out, teach Aimee everything I can about life.

There's only 24 hours in a day. I'm going to use them wisely.

Update

The Baby is still in intensive care. He is going to be in a medically induced coma for another day or two.

Update on the baby

He had the surgery today. It went well, but the doctor said it was more complicated than they expected it to be. His heart is swollen and they had to leave his breastbone open. Please continue to pray and send your hopeful thoughts his way. We really need them.

Little Jesus Gonzalez

Please keep my cousin's baby in your thoughts and prayers. He's having surgery to repair his heart on Monday. The Doctors found another defect in his heart and they are hoping to repair both during the surgery. If the little guy is strong enough, they will do it all at once. If not, he'll have to wait 4 months for the second surgery. He's only 7 days old.

Thanks.

I went to the hospital today...

to visit my cousin, her husband, and their newborn baby. It wasn't a joyful visit, but one filled with anxiety and crying. The baby was born on Monday and they discovered a heart defect last night. He was transported at 11 pm from a hospital in Indiana to a hospital in suburban Chicago because he needs more acute care than the hospital he was born in can offer. He had a blood transfusion this morning because they are drawing so much for tests. They are waiting for his condition to stablize to perform the surgery that will repair his heart.

It goes without saying that if you are reading this, you should pray for him. I've never met some of you who read this because you stumbled upon it through a mutual friend or whatever, but I'm asking you to join in faith and intercede with us for the little guy's health, and his parent's comfort and sanity.

Thanks.

It's one of my character flaws....

and it's well known among family and friends. I can't focus on two important tasks at the same time. I get frustrated. I feel overwhelmed. I can't focus. Just ask one of my sisters about when they are trying to have a conversation with me while Aimee is crying. Just ask my husband about the year of our engagement. I had a job that I really enjoyed and required that I work an average of 60 hours a week. Who won that battle for my attention? Let's just say I'm a really lucky woman to have walked to the alter and still have a groom waiting for me.

My major failures in life can be blamed on this horrible flaw of mine. I didn't finish college because I got too involved in what was going on at home. Being there in a time of major changes was more important than figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. Climbing the corporate ladder was more important than finishing the degree that would help me climb further.

I can thank this flaw for some of the major accomplishments as well. Could I have made it this far in this rewarding well paying career had I NOT paid my dues and worked so hard in the beginning? Would my marriage be as healthy and fulfilling a relationship as it is now had I not realized the error of my ways and switched my focus from work to us?

Now I'm faced with another challenge. This time, the stakes are much higher and the tasks more important than ever. I have to learn how to balance. I can't neglect one thing to do the other, not even for a little while. I have to learn how to take care of this little life called Aimee and still take care of my own. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

How do I become a well adjusted working mom? I know in my head that the situation I'm in is ideal. I work for a fabulously supportive group of people. I make my own schedule. I get to work from home a few days a week. I have the best baby sitter I could have asked for with kids that go crazy with excitement when Aimee arrives. So why do I feel so much anxiety so much of the time? Taking the time to exercise even brings daily arguments with myself. I know that if I don't do it every day, I will throw my back out. The doctors have told me, the therapist has told me, and guess what...I have EXPERIENCED IT. So why do I still have to convince myself to do it? Is there a disconnect happening somewhere between my head and my heart? I know that quitting my job and not exercising anymore is not the answer. Finding balance is the answer. Now, if someone could just tell me where to find it, I think things would be alright.