Revelation

So after about a week of struggling with this, I realize that the struggle isn't really mine. I get the feeling that one of my friends really looks down on me because of my decision to stay home. She hasn't said anything about it specifically, but her comments and attitude have expressed to me how she really feels. I've been feeling really disturbed by some of her off hand comments.

Before I get into this, let me just say that I KNOW how tacky it is that I'm going to blog about this, but it's really been bothering me, so I'm going to just throw etiquette to the wind and I'm going to blog about it to my heart's content.

I guess one of the things that bothers me most is that she is trying to size up how Brian and I are doing financially, and I get the feeling that she desperately wants us to be doing worse than she and her husband. I don't want to go into details about what she said to bring me to this conclusion, but let's just say that I've had a lot of time to think about what she said, I really do think that I am right about this.

I'm not quite sure about how to handle it. I confess. I've had to really fight with the competitive side of me who wants to win for the sake of winning. I've had to stop myself from asking Brian to move up some home improvements we plan on doing in the next few months for the sake of impressing this girl. I've had to remind myself that the sacrifices we are all making as a family are worth the moments that I get to spend with my beautiful Aimee. And that continuing to work would have been a strain on our family. I firmly believe that the work I am doing now, creating a peaceful and loving home, working on my relationships, developing my inner self, is a greater calling than working for a lifestyle that we don't need. Most importantly, I've had to ask God to soften my heart and to give me feelings of compassion and mercy toward her, rather than feelings of vanity and conceit.

When I had that important job those first few years of my marriage, work was a little bit like a drug to me. I sacrificed a lot in my personal relationships and I began to believe that my value was in how far I could get, how many important people I could meet, and how many committtees and boards I could be on. It was a lonely life and Brian and I don't have much to show for those years. God has changed both my and Brian's heart radically. We recognize that whatever we have comes from God, and we know we are living a life of abundance. Our life overflows with friends and family that truly love us, hope for the future, and a deep love for each other.

I realize now that her insecurity is not my problem. I am not going to play this silly game of who has more. I am officially taking myself out of this competition.