Change for us has always happened in pairs. I got engaged and moved to Wheaton, we bought a house and got married, we had a baby and Brian changed jobs.
Changes are coming soon and I am trying to hold on to now as if my life depended on it. In just nine more weeks, little baby brother will be here, and if he arrives by c-section (which is 85% sure to happen) I will be unable to do much for at least 3 weeks. I have decided that I am going to do as many activities and go on as many outings with Aimee as I possibly can. The times that I am too exhausted to do anything are spent on the couch watching Wiggles movies over and over again. I'll endure the bad special effects and annoyingly catchy songs if it means that I can get a whole half hour of cuddle time with her.
At the same time, Brian and I have been feeling like it's time to look for a new church. We've been dealing with these feelings for over a year now, for several months we secretly felt the same way and didn't know it. We've have taken this past year to really examine why we are both experiencing this impulse. We've come to the following conclusion: We have experienced tremendous spiritual and personal growth during the 6 years that we've been at Life Church. In Christian circles, we call that fruit. The problem is that we havn't seen much fruit outside of our own lives, in other words, we havn't made an impact on anyone's life during our time there, which is important in Christian life. We are the first to admit that maybe we didn't put in the effort that we should have. We could have volunteered to do more things, but the truth is that we have never really felt really passionate about serving there. Our hearts are really in our neighborhood and in the nearby Latino community. It's always been my vision to serve in a church like the church I grew up in.
The problem about this decision is that the more steps we take to find a new church, the more fiercely I want to cling to Life Church. The more I think about all of the amazing things that God has done through the people there, the more loyalty I feel.
I can honestly say that I am a completely different person than I was a few years ago. Motherhood has had a LOT to do with it, Aimee has motivated me to get emotionally, spiritually, and even physically healthy, and yet, I don't think it would have happened without the love, support, and honesty of that amazing Life Church community. Like any community of people, it is not a perfect place. We have experienced pain and disapointment there too. However, those disapointments cannot overshadow that it is a community of honest, loving, humble, and riotously fun people. A place where I could be terribly flawed and say seriously stupid things and not be made to feel flawed and stupid, even when someone pointed out that what I said was really ignorant and hurtful.
These days, I stand tall. I don't use the words "I'm sorry" like a teenager uses the word "like" in conversation. I don't let people take advantage of me and I don't do things I don't really want to out of feelings of obligation. I don't let people say rude things to me without calling them on it and I don't really care about what others think of me anymore. I know what I think of me and what God thinks of me and I'm satisfied with that. My husband and I are wildly in love (yes, still) and my daughter adores me. My life is pretty amazing, my life has always been this way, I just was too busy trying to cover up my flaws to see it. I'm reading a book right now that says that healthy people are not afraid to show their vulnerabilities and flaws. It sounds like an oxymoron, but it's really true. I spent so much time and energy trying to keep people from seeing me for who I really was that I didn't have any energy left to be myself, love myself, and let others love me for who I really was. I couldn't have gotten there without a community of people that saw through the cover ups I tried to wear, humbly let me know that they could see through it because they had been like me before, and let me know that they loved me with my flaws.
Change is coming. Baby boy Wroblewski will be joyously welcomed and fiercely loved, God will lead us to a place where we can bare fruit, but the journey won't be easy and I really need His grace right now.
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